What’s Up? What’s The Issue?
Hey Soul Bonding Love,
I’m writing into you today with a heavy heart. It’s one in the morning, and I can’t sleep because I feel like my world is turned upside down right now. I’ve been seeing this guy, let’s call him Jay, for about seven months now. He’s sweet and caring, or at least he used to be… until last night.
We’ve never really had any big fights before; obviously we’ve had little disagreements but nothing serious. Sometimes we’d argue over silly things like what movie to watch or who finished the last of the ice cream. But yesterday was different.
Jay came home from work and he seemed off; quiet and distant – not himself at all. Me being me, started worrying if something happened at his job or perhaps someone said something that upset him –you know? Anyway, I attempted to cheer him up with his favourite spaghetti carbonara. But all through the meal, he was so cold.
Afterward, when we sat down on our couch as usual for our Netflix routine – yes we’re one of those Netflix couples – I finally gathered up enough guts to ask him what was wrong; why he was acting so weirdly quiet and distant.
And BAM! It hit me like a train when out of nowhere he said, “I hate you”. Just like that: no emotions in his voice- almost as if it were a well-rehearsed line from some sad ripped-our-hearts-out novel.
My first reaction? Tears sprung into my eyes before I could even stop them but pride kicked in and I held myself together – biting back any sort of emotional response! Then silence – the kind that swallows everything around you except your pounding heartbeat echoing loudly inside your head.
He didn’t explain anything further nor did he seem eager to discuss it anymore.
And since then it’s been radio silence from both sides. The tension is palpable every time we’re around one another but neither of us has made an effort to break this ice.
Am feeling completely lost here: this isn’t just about my bruised ego anymore or trying to understand why Jay might’ve said so outta blue without even having any real fight; instead am worried if this will be our love story’s end?
Please tell me how do I navigate through this scary situation? How do I get Jay to talk about whatever set him off in such a strange way?
Signed,
Heartbroken
The Raw And Honest Truth I Would Give To My Little Sis…
Dear Heartbroken,
If you were my little sis, I’d sit you down and tell you that this is a complicated situation but it’s going to be okay. First thing’s first – breathe! Panic or breakdowns won’t help. You’re stronger than you realize, remember that.
Here’s what I’d suggest: Gather your thoughts first. It’s easy to let your emotions take control after hearing such hurtful words from someone you love. But remember, sometimes people say things they don’t mean when they’re upset or stressed out – and it sounds like Jay was having a pretty rough day.
Once you’ve gathered yourself, sit him down for a conversation. It may not be the easiest thing to do right now but it’s necessary for your peace of mind. Express how his words have affected you and ask him directly about why he said them.
If he opens up, then good – work through the issue! If he doesn’t want to talk or repeats what he said earlier without giving any explanation, then babe, that’s a red flag! In no relationship should anyone belittle or disrespect their partner. Remember: You deserve respect and love.
Okay now honey, prepare yourself for all outcomes. Remember: This conversation could either fix things between both of you or it may lead to the end of your relationship with Jay; but either way, remember this is not an end for everything in your life!
And lastly (this might sound harsh & I’m sorry),if this ends up being the finish line for you two – it’ll hurt like hell but believe me when I say this: You will get through! Pain subsides over time; the sun will rise again.
Hold onto hope sweetie cause if things didn’t work between y’all means there’s something else better in store just waiting around the corner!
Take care!
Big Sis
Let’s get a deeper analysis, though…
Decoding ‘I hate you’
When someone you care about says, “I hate you“, it can feel like a punch to the gut. It’s a raw, direct assault on your emotions and self-worth. But before you spiral down this whirlpool of negativity, let’s try to dissect where those words may have sprouted from.
Firstly, I want you to remember that the words your boyfriend chose to use are likely more indicative of his mental state than they are of his feelings for you. Often times, such inflammatory language is used during heightened emotional states as a method of expressing frustration or hurt. They could be a crude way of communicating his dissatisfaction or emotional pain over something that happened between the two of you.
Possibility: Expressing Anger Inappropriately
One possibility is that he’s not very good at expressing anger constructively and effectively. Let’s face it; we all know those people who blurt out explosive statements when they’re upset instead of calmly discussing their feelings – it doesn’t mean they’re bad people. It just means they probably need some work in the ‘effective communication’ department.
We often say things we don’t really mean when we’re angry because the emotion overwhelms our ability to think clearly. Perhaps his “I hate you” was actually an ineffective attempt at saying “I’m hurt”, “I’m confused”, or even “I need space”.
Possibility: Trying to Push You Away
Another potential meaning behind his words could be an attempt at emotionally distancing himself from the relationship. This serves as a defense mechanism for some people who are fearful of vulnerability and closeness. If he feels cornered or trapped, saying something as harsh as “I hate you” might be an erratic attempt at pushing away the person (you) causing him these complex emotions he doesn’t quite know how to deal with yet.
Crossroads: Reacting vs Responding
You’ve got two roads ahead right now – reacting or responding. Reacting typically involves getting soaked in negative emotions which can easily trigger defensive mechanisms leading us into rash decisions (do I hear breakup bells?). Responding though requires stepping back, taking a deep breath, analyzing what has transpired and then choosing how best to address it.
Remember honey, you have control over your responses, not over his actions or words.
Moving Forward: Mastering Constructive Conversation
A major part in resolving any conflict lies in effective open communication where both sides feel heard and understood.
When approaching him for this conversation (which I strongly recommend), start by calmly expressing how his statement affected your feelings without blaming him i.e., use “I felt…” statements rather than “You made me feel…” ones.
Gently inquire if he truly meant what he said or if there were underlying issues that led him to verbalize such strong sentiments.
His response will greatly determine where things go from here on out:
- If he admits he said it out of anger and didn’t mean it – suggest seeking ways together on improving communication when angry.
- If there’s an underlying issue – discuss on how both can work towards resolving them.
- If indeed he meant what he said – amidst all pain and shock ask yourself if such toxic behaviour deserves space in your life.
Sweetie remember,“Words can cause deep wounds but also mend hearts.” Be kind yet assertive!
My Boyfriend Said He Hates Me: What Next?
What was said has been said… so what next?
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings
Firstly, I want you to know that it’s okay to feel hurt and confused right now. Your feelings are completely valid. It’s natural to feel shocked, upset and perhaps even rejected when someone we care about says something harsh like this.
But remember to keep your calm; don’t let your emotions guide your reaction.
If possible, remove yourself from the immediate situation, breathe deeply and allow yourself some time to process what’s happened.
2. Evaluate The Context
Was this said in the heat of an argument or during a calm conversation? The context is really important.
Were there other issues at play that may have influenced his comment? Or is it completely out of the blue? Consider these factors before deciding how you’ll respond.
3. Open Up A Dialogue
When things have calmed down a bit, it’s crucial for you two to talk about what happened.
This might be uncomfortable but communication is key in any relationship.
Avoid attacking him or getting defensive; instead express how his words made you feel.
4. Understand His Perspective
Even though his choice of words was poor,
BUT do NOT mistake me,,
this does not validate them but there might be some underlying issues he needs to work on.
In most cases, when someone lashes out like this, it shows more about their state of mind than anything else.
5. Reflect On Your Relationship
This experience can be a crucial time for some self-reflection.
You need to ask yourself whether this incident was a one-time thing or part of an ongoing pattern?
If it’s the latter,this could be indicative of more serious problems in your relationship.
6.Seek Professional Help If Needed
If you find yourselves stuck in repeated cycles
negative communication or if these hateful comments continue,
dont’ hesitateTo seek help from a professional counsellor or therapist.
You Might Need To Go In Another Direction…
The truth is, all relationships require work and continuous communication. I’ve been there, feeling like I’m struggling, but not knowing exactly why. What if I told you there’s a fun and interactive way to gain clarity on what you’re looking for in a relationship?
Meet the Dating Connect Card Game.
For me, this game isn’t just about having fun.
It’s a comprehensive guide that covers all aspects of dating, from that initial flutter in your stomach to the hard work of building a long-lasting relationship.
What I love about it is the range of questions and prompts. It’s like having a relationship coach right there on your coffee table.
But it’s not all just fun and games. This game is backed by science, incorporating techniques used in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), and mindfulness.
It pushes you to reflect on your own values, priorities, and preferences.
I’ve also found that in the process, I’ve gained a greater clarity about what I’m looking for in a partner and what I have to offer.
Here’s the best part…
With each game purchased, a part of the profits is donated to Feeding America. So while you’re discovering more about yourself and relationship, you’re also contributing to a good cause! 👌
Perfect for any occasion, I’ve found the Dating Connect Card Game to be the perfect gift for dads, boyfriends, and couples, whether it’s Father’s Day, an anniversary, or just a regular Tuesday. It’s more than just a game, it’s a tool for communication, a love language translator, and a heartfelt gesture, all in one neat package.
Further Advice…
If your boyfriend has just told you he hates you, it’s important to not react impulsively. Take some time to calm down and gather your thoughts.
You may find this article about what to do if your boyfriend tells you to stay away from him helpful. It guides you through possible reactions and next steps in such situations.
While it might be that he said things out of anger, maybe there are deeper issues present in your relationship that need addressing. There’s an insightful post on our site titled: “Debunking the Myth: Why My Boyfriend Says He’s Not the Jealous Type” which can help you understand his underlying feelings and behaviors better.
Similar hurtful comments can leave us wondering if our partner still finds us attractive. If ever you find yourself questioning this, the article “Is my boyfriend still attracted to me?” could provide some clarity and reassurance.
Occasionally, couples experience tension because of jealousy–either real or perceived. In such cases, the write-up on how to deal with jealousy in a relationship might prove beneficial by offering techniques for dealing with these feelings constructively.
