What’s Up? What’s The Issue?
Hey Soul Bonding Love,
Okay, so here I am pouring my soul over this email because I don’t know where else to turn. My boyfriend of eight months, let’s call him Ryan (not his real name), has always been sweet and supportive. We’ve had pretty amazing moments together and I felt like everything was falling into place. But then one night we’re chilling on the couch binge-watching our favorite series with a bottle of wine, just normal couple stuff you know? Things started getting steamy – all good right? What can be bad about making love to your favorite person while in the throes of some Netflix-induced euphoria?
The mood seemed perfect until after our moment; he holds me close and tells me in this soft low tone “You’re great babe, but you’re not the best I’ve ever had…” He said it just like that! Like an offhand comment meant to go unnoticed. And that is where my world stopped for a minute.
Did he have to say it out loud? Was it necessary? I don’t even know how to feel about it. Now every time we’re intimate, all I can think about is her… or them – ‘the ones before me.’ It feels really unfair and it seriously messes with my confidence.
I get that everyone has a past and there’s bound to be comparisons (although completely unnecessary if you ask me), but did he have to go out of his way to make sure I knew this? The worst part is even after sensing how crushed I was by his comment, he didn’t even muster up an apology or anything.
I thought honesty was supposed to bring us closer, not make me feel inadequate and second best! All this makes me wonder if he really loves me or if I’m just another name on his list.
Help please…
The Raw And Honest Truth I Would Give To My Little Sis…
If you were my little sis, I’d pull you in for a big, tight hug and say this: first of all, your feelings are completely valid. You know I’ve been through something similar. It’s normal to feel upset and taken aback when someone you care about makes such a careless and hurtful comment.
Your boyfriend’s statement was tactless, and it lacks immense emotional intelligence. Honesty is great, but just because something is true doesn’t mean it always needs to be said out loud, especially if it’s going to be harmful or hurtful to someone else.
Now let’s deal with where we’re at: He has made a comparison between you and his past partners – which isn’t fair on anyone involved. Yes, he has had experiences before you – we all have our history – but reminding you of it during such an intimate moment? That’s harsh sis.
Unfortunately, we cannot control other people’s actions or words, but what we can control is how we react. So here’s what I suggest; Have a conversation with him about this – communicate your feelings. Let him know that his comment was hurtful and why.
Tell him that his past is his past and that there is no need for comparisons; love should not be a competition. Assert yourself! You deserve respect in your relationship.
And remember babe – this incident does not define your worth or ability as a partner. Don’t allow this one thoughtless comment make you question your worth or who you are as a woman.
Lastly, if he doesn’t apologize or acknowledge his mistake after your conversation, then darling… maybe it’s time for some serious thinking on whether he respects and values the beautiful person that you truly are.
Remember – love should lift us up, not bring us down. And most importantly? Remember how much I love ya!
Let’s get a deeper analysis, though…
Dissecting the Painful Phrase
“My boyfriend says I’m not the best he’s ever had.” Ouch. Those words sting, don’t they? It’s tough not to let such a statement take a nosedive straight into your self-esteem. But before we allow it to wreak havoc on your confidence, let’s delve deeper into what this statement could mean.
Often, statements like these are not as clear-cut as they appear on the surface and may have origins rooted in various personal contexts. The intent behind these words isn’t always malicious, and understanding them can lend valuable insights for relationship growth.
The Underlying Reasons Behind His Statement
Could it be about comparison? There’s a possibility that your boyfriend might unintentionally compare his current relationship with his past experiences, even though it may not be fair or healthy. This might be about his journey of introspection rather than meant as a critique of you.
An unmet need? Sometimes people express dissatisfaction in indirect ways – maybe there’s an aspect of intimacy or communication that he feels is lacking which he has experienced previously. Instead of clearly communicating this need, he has relayed it through comparison.
The Intent May Not Be To Hurt You
We all say things that we don’t necessarily mean when overwhelmed by emotions or situations. Your boyfriend’s comment may just be one such instance. Perhaps it was made out of frustration or an inability to communicate effectively rather than an attempt to hurt you.
Remember that everyone has their unique way of dealing with relationship issues – some are more articulate than others and some unfortunately resort to hurtful phrases when they’re at a loss for how to express themselves.
Potential Opportunities for Growth
A Gateway Conversation. As painful as this revelation is, see it as an opening for deep conversation about both your needs and desires in the relationship
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A Chance For Better Communication. This could also serve as a poignant reminder that both partners need effective communication channels where they can discuss their feelings honestly without resorting to comparisons with past relationships.
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So there you have it lovely ones! As much as those words sting and cause pain, remember: those words also offer you the opportunity – while certainly uncomfortable –to truly grow together. Dealing with these conversations realistically and openly can only fortify the foundations of trust and mutual understanding… essential blossoms in any thriving love-story!
My Boyfriend Said I’M Not The Best He’S Ever Had: What Next?
What was said has been said… so what next?
Unpacking the Sting: What He Said and How it Feels
Let’s get real, nobody wants to hear they’re not the best in any aspect of their relationship. It can feel like a punch in the gut. But remember, it’s okay to feel hurt. It doesn’t signify weakness, but rather showcases your emotional investment in your relationship. It’s completely normal to feel upset. Try not to suppress these feelings; instead, allow yourself to experience them fully so you can understand and address them.
Making Sense of His Words: Is it About You or Him?
Take a moment and ask yourself whether his words reflect more about him than you. Understand that people often project their insecurities onto others. His comment could be indicative of his own insecurities or dissatisfaction within himself or the relationship.
The Value in Honesty: Could He Be Trying to Communicate Something Else?
A positive way (yes there is one!) to view this situation is that your boyfriend felt comfortable enough with you to be honest about his feelings. While his delivery might have been off, he may be trying to communicate something else entirely – perhaps there’s something missing for him emotionally or sexually in your relationship?
Talking it Out: Tackling Difficult Conversations
When ready, initiate a conversation with your partner about how his comment made you feel – because your feelings matter!. This conversation doesn’t have to be confrontational; just honest, heartfelt and aim for understanding on both sides.
Couching Expectations: Redefining ‘the Best’
Everyone has different standards when it comes down to “the best”. Check-in with yourself (and possibly discuss with him) what he actually meant by “the best.” Breaking down what this concept means can help both of you understand each other better and work towards meeting each other’s needs.
Finding Your Power from Within: Self-Worth Doesn’t Depend on Others
Hearing comments like these can lead us questioning our self-worth but remember – Your value doesn’t hinge on being ‘the best’ at anything. Your worthiness comes from within. Be proud of who you are! Keep striving for self-improvement because you want it for yourself, not because someone else says so.
Navigating Forward: Deciding The Next Step
It’s crucial after such an event that you take time reflecting on what has happened and decide how would like things would go forward from here. Whether that means working things out together, seeking professional help or even reevaluating if this relationship serves your highest good is completely up-to YOU.
You Might Need To Go In Another Direction…
The truth is, all relationships require work and continuous communication. I’ve been there, feeling like I’m struggling, but not knowing exactly why. What if I told you there’s a fun and interactive way to gain clarity on what you’re looking for in a relationship?
Meet the Dating Connect Card Game.
For me, this game isn’t just about having fun.
It’s a comprehensive guide that covers all aspects of dating, from that initial flutter in your stomach to the hard work of building a long-lasting relationship.
What I love about it is the range of questions and prompts. It’s like having a relationship coach right there on your coffee table.
But it’s not all just fun and games. This game is backed by science, incorporating techniques used in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), and mindfulness.
It pushes you to reflect on your own values, priorities, and preferences.
I’ve also found that in the process, I’ve gained a greater clarity about what I’m looking for in a partner and what I have to offer.
Here’s the best part…
With each game purchased, a part of the profits is donated to Feeding America. So while you’re discovering more about yourself and relationship, you’re also contributing to a good cause! 👌
Perfect for any occasion, I’ve found the Dating Connect Card Game to be the perfect gift for dads, boyfriends, and couples, whether it’s Father’s Day, an anniversary, or just a regular Tuesday. It’s more than just a game, it’s a tool for communication, a love language translator, and a heartfelt gesture, all in one neat package.
Further Advice…
Being in a relationship where your boyfriend just told you that you’re not the best he’s ever had can be extremely painful and confusing. But remember, communication is key in any relationship. It might be beneficial to check out this article on how to deal when your boyfriend says something hurtful.
In addition, self-esteem is crucial in these situations. You might feel that you’re not attractive enough or worse, that your boyfriend no longer finds you attractive. If so, here’s a helpful post on how to tell if your boyfriend is still attracted to you.
Often times, boyfriends make these painful comments because they are dealing with their own insecurities and issues. To better understand his perspective, consider reading this post on what it means when your boyfriend only thinks about himself.
Finally, it’s crucial to remember that there’s more to a relationship than just being the “best” in someone’s past. Success in relationships means knowing how to balance personal needs with respect for your partner. You can strengthen this skill by reading this insightful post on how to balance respect and independence in a relationship.
